Phoenix Driving Tips

Disclaimer: OK, let’s get this out of the way. I’m not advocating anything you’re about to read below. These are my observations on how people drive in the Phoenix Metropolitan area. I say this because some people seem to have a problem lately with the definition of the word sarcasm.

Having been a driver in the Phoenix area for the past 25 years or so, I’ve observed that we have a set of rules here that’s different than just about anywhere else I’ve driven. Your mileage, of course, may vary, but here’s what I’ve learned while driving in and around Arizona’s capital city.

Signs and Traffic Signals

Road signs, including those with warnings of merging lanes, postings of legal speed limits, and the word STOP, are mere suggestions. There’s no need to actually obey any of them as they’re clearly meant for other people, not you.

Speed up when approaching an intersection if the color of the signal light is:

• Green
• Yellow
• Red
• Not visible because the power is out

If there is at least one car ahead of you stopped at a red light, sound your horn several times the very nanosecond the light turns green since it’s obvious the person ahead of you has slower reflexes than you. At the next stop light, you might even consider sharing some of your coke or crack to help speed up that driver’s reflexes as well.

If you are the first car stopped at a red light, it is not necessary to keep track of traffic flow or signal changes. And remember, moving forward on the green light is an option, not a mandate.

Speed Limits

Passing people is acceptable in all of the following situations:

• When the vehicle in the way is going below the speed limit.
• When the vehicle in the way is going the speed limit.
• When the vehicle in the way is going well above the speed limit, but not as far above as you want to go.
• When the only open lane is to the right of the slower vehicle.
• When you’re driving in a school zone.
• When you’re driving in a no passing zone, especially when there are blind curves and signs that clearly state No Passing. Again, those signs are for other people, not you.

Rather than maintaining a constant legal speed on the freeway, speed up as much as possible to get to the next photo radar site, then slam on your brakes to slow down to at least 5 MPH under the posted speed limit. Alternately, wear a silly mask and just gun it so you can enjoy seeing your picture plastered all over the web. Remember, they can’t ticket you if they can’t positively identify you.

Right of Way

Pedestrians have the right of way in all of the following situations:

• When there are no cars on the road for at least 2 miles in all directions

Whoever arrives first at a three-way or four-way stop must yield the right of way to the person driving the bigger vehicle or the person who is fastest on the accelerator pedal.

When turning left in an intersection where you’ve been stopped at a stop light, if you’re faster off the block than the person in oncoming traffic who is going straight, take your turn as quickly as possible.

When turning left in an intersection where you’ve been waiting behind at least one other car to turn without benefit of a green arrow, you may proceed through the eventual red light so long as you’re bigger or faster than oncoming traffic.

You have the right to turn right on red at any intersection under any conditions. Do not slow down or stop before your turn. Doing so increases the chances of hitting something including cross traffic and pedestrians.

General Safety

If you need to move over a lane or two, take advantage of even the slightest cushion between cars so long as you can be assured of at least half an inch clearance off the leading and tailing cars.

Using turn signals under any circumstances including turning, merging into traffic, and exiting freeways only serves to let people know where you’re going, and that’s none of their damned business.

If you can’t see through your turn, be sure to make the turn as quickly as possible to minimize the chance of hitting something including oncoming traffic, cross traffic, and pedestrians.

Tailgating makes the person in front of you go faster or move out of your way and is perfectly safe. If it weren’t safe, would they have tailgating parties?

Conclusion

Aggressive driving behaviors run rampant in the Phoenix area. Join or die.

Fear and Loathing… Mostly Loathing

As far as I’m concerned, the first half of 2009 sucked. It sucked big, sharp, pointy rocks, and I’m glad it’s over.

The second half of the year started off better, but less than a third of the way in, here come those rocks again.

Let’s get the fear out of the way first, shall we? And by “out of the way”, I mean knock it off already! Enough with fomenting fear among the masses on health care reform. It’s apparently too much to ask to have a rational discussion about an issue that literally touches all of our lives here in the United States. The current health care delivery system is broken. Fix it! The “free market” isn’t fixing it. It’s breaking it more and more every damn day. It was tough enough getting the insurance company and medical professionals to play nice when I had cancer 24 years ago, and their practices have just gotten worse in the interim.

Now a little loathing…

Phoenix drivers, oh how I hate thee. Stop speeding, passing on the right, performing unsafe lane changes, tailgating, etc, etc, etc. I know it’s freakin’ hot. We’re looking at yet another heat advisory today (over 110 degrees). That’s not an excuse to be an asshole behind the wheel.

Twitter, stop fixing what aint broke. ReTweets already work just fine, thankyouverymuch. You feeling the overriding need to fix something? Block the spambots!

Got a friend about to lose her home due to unemployment, and upside-down mortgage, and a raging mold issue (her neighbors have the mold, too). I just… I… AAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUGGHHHHH! Just can’t articulate how angry I am about this.

Arizona’s government needs to shit or get off the pot. Put a budget in place, you morons! I’m sick of your games. Just get your damn job done for once.

And then there’s time. There’s never enough of it. I just get started on something, and I run ou…

What a long, strange week it’s been…

Oh, it started out normally enough with work and all after a reasonably productive weekend of toilet resetting (and cursing the former homeowner for the tile job I’ll have to rip up eventually), and fixing a couple of electrical things.

Work has been incredibly busy, but things are getting done and we’re moving forward reasonably well. Frankly, that’s a little weird in itself, and I’ll gladly take it. But, it’s really the people this week that have made for the weirdness.

Late in the week I was driving by our local VA hospital and saw a man in fatigues walking by the facility. His arms were outstretched and both middle fingers were extended in the direction of the hospital. He was yelling something, though I couldn’t hear what. He later yelled at a driver, but never stopped flipping off the hospital.

Today’s commute home was made more interesting by people who apparently just don’t listen to themselves. There was one woman on the light rail train yelling into her cell phone for all to hear (she was sitting in a seat near the center of the car). Many of us were looking to each other to try to explain this woman’s behavior, but when she screamed, “Don’t give me more problems; I’ve got my own issues,” we couldn’t help but giggle a bit. She got off the train shortly thereafter and continued her tirade down the platform on her way to the crosswalk.

But it was the guy I overheard talking to his friends after I got off the train that just got me shaking my head the most. He was ranting about someone with some sort of scam going on with a building he was working on. He asserted that this person was “making money hand over foot” on the deal.

Hand over foot.

Yup. Been a long, strange week.