Phoenix Driving Tips

Disclaimer: OK, let’s get this out of the way. I’m not advocating anything you’re about to read below. These are my observations on how people drive in the Phoenix Metropolitan area. I say this because some people seem to have a problem lately with the definition of the word sarcasm.

Having been a driver in the Phoenix area for the past 25 years or so, I’ve observed that we have a set of rules here that’s different than just about anywhere else I’ve driven. Your mileage, of course, may vary, but here’s what I’ve learned while driving in and around Arizona’s capital city.

Signs and Traffic Signals

Road signs, including those with warnings of merging lanes, postings of legal speed limits, and the word STOP, are mere suggestions. There’s no need to actually obey any of them as they’re clearly meant for other people, not you.

Speed up when approaching an intersection if the color of the signal light is:

• Green
• Yellow
• Red
• Not visible because the power is out

If there is at least one car ahead of you stopped at a red light, sound your horn several times the very nanosecond the light turns green since it’s obvious the person ahead of you has slower reflexes than you. At the next stop light, you might even consider sharing some of your coke or crack to help speed up that driver’s reflexes as well.

If you are the first car stopped at a red light, it is not necessary to keep track of traffic flow or signal changes. And remember, moving forward on the green light is an option, not a mandate.

Speed Limits

Passing people is acceptable in all of the following situations:

• When the vehicle in the way is going below the speed limit.
• When the vehicle in the way is going the speed limit.
• When the vehicle in the way is going well above the speed limit, but not as far above as you want to go.
• When the only open lane is to the right of the slower vehicle.
• When you’re driving in a school zone.
• When you’re driving in a no passing zone, especially when there are blind curves and signs that clearly state No Passing. Again, those signs are for other people, not you.

Rather than maintaining a constant legal speed on the freeway, speed up as much as possible to get to the next photo radar site, then slam on your brakes to slow down to at least 5 MPH under the posted speed limit. Alternately, wear a silly mask and just gun it so you can enjoy seeing your picture plastered all over the web. Remember, they can’t ticket you if they can’t positively identify you.

Right of Way

Pedestrians have the right of way in all of the following situations:

• When there are no cars on the road for at least 2 miles in all directions

Whoever arrives first at a three-way or four-way stop must yield the right of way to the person driving the bigger vehicle or the person who is fastest on the accelerator pedal.

When turning left in an intersection where you’ve been stopped at a stop light, if you’re faster off the block than the person in oncoming traffic who is going straight, take your turn as quickly as possible.

When turning left in an intersection where you’ve been waiting behind at least one other car to turn without benefit of a green arrow, you may proceed through the eventual red light so long as you’re bigger or faster than oncoming traffic.

You have the right to turn right on red at any intersection under any conditions. Do not slow down or stop before your turn. Doing so increases the chances of hitting something including cross traffic and pedestrians.

General Safety

If you need to move over a lane or two, take advantage of even the slightest cushion between cars so long as you can be assured of at least half an inch clearance off the leading and tailing cars.

Using turn signals under any circumstances including turning, merging into traffic, and exiting freeways only serves to let people know where you’re going, and that’s none of their damned business.

If you can’t see through your turn, be sure to make the turn as quickly as possible to minimize the chance of hitting something including oncoming traffic, cross traffic, and pedestrians.

Tailgating makes the person in front of you go faster or move out of your way and is perfectly safe. If it weren’t safe, would they have tailgating parties?

Conclusion

Aggressive driving behaviors run rampant in the Phoenix area. Join or die.

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